Tuesday, December 13, 2011

From Austin to Boston: Part Four - Better Late than Never

Part One, Part Two, and Part Three

Okay, I admit it... I suck. Whenever I find myself in a situation where someone expects something of me, I totally flake, which is why I will never be a real writer.

Yes, I know, this installment is way past due, but I blame Sally. She kept hounding me to post part four. The pressure, quite frankly, has been unbearable. I keep having these stress dreams in which I have to go back to finish high school because it is discovered that, due to some clerical error, I never really had the credits to graduate. Oh, and then there are the dreams where I keep losing my teeth. People, it is absolutely maddening, I tell ya. I have no earthly clue how Dickens or Hemingway ever did it. Well, granted, they both had an affinity for the drinky-drink, so maybe I kinda understand.

That said, I must apologize to all three of my readers. Sally, Terie, and googlebot: please forgive me. I give you part four... mostly in bullet format because I'm a lazy shit like that.
  • We spend the whole day at the hospital with Anders and Sally. 
  • In an effort to wean Anders off Sally's iphone, we play charades. 
  • I brilliantly reenact Gob's chicken impression from Arrested Development.
  • No one gets it because, OMG, they have not watched Arrested Development.
  • I make a personal decision to cut ties with any friend who watches AD and doesn't think it's the BEST FUCKING SHOW EVER. If they don't get it, then they don't get me.
  • Over the next twenty minutes, I force them to watch Gob's chicken dance on Youtube. 
  • Because we are too distracted to notice, Anders has been playing on Sally's iphone the entire time. Oooops. 
  • Sono tech enters room with a huge machine to do Anders' echo. I think he is kinda cute.
  • Sono tech turns out to be a doctor doing his fellowship in pediatric cardiology. He just became, like, really fucking hot. 
  • Echo does not yield the results we were hoping for. Anders will most likely have to go back for surgery. 
  • The look on Sally's face is heartbreaking. 
  • We solemnly gaze out the window while anticipating "Boston Snowstorm 2011," a storm so huge, CNN is covering it and even the locals are freaking out. 
  • As nightfall approaches, we notice huge snowflakes fall from the ominous sky.
  • We try to elicit Anders' interest in snow, but he couldn't care less. 
  • Anders masters "Angry Birds" on the iphone that Sally is trying to wean him off of.  
  • Terie and I leave well after visiting hours to brave the storm.
  • Being the two northern girls that we are, we decide to walk back to the apartment. 
  • We get about twenty feet out of the hospital's entrance when we decide that it is unwise to walk home in these conditions. My decision is based on my visual of Jack Nicholson's stiff, frozen body after he gets lost in the maze in "The Shining." I don't think Terie can visualize much of anything; her eyes are watering so much that I wonder if she is crying out of fear. Turns out, this is just a reaction to the cold. 
  • We spend the next hour trying to hail a cab. Boston cab drivers are ASSHOLES.
  • When we finally get home, Terie and I pull up two chairs in front of the huge window that overlooks Boylston Street.  
  • We spend the next hour watching people dressed up for Halloween as they try to catch cabs to take them to their party destinations. Boston cab drivers are ASSHOLES. And, Oh My God, this is what we choose to do on a Saturday night... while on VACATION. We are getting old
  • Before we go to bed, I say my prayers, which includes praying that we wake up to snowbanks the size of Mt. Rushmore in hopes of getting snowed in, thereby preventing us from returning to Austin for work. 
  • Next morning: blue skies and a little bit of slush. Fuck! Does God ever answer prayers?
  • We spend the morning with Anders and Sally. 
  • As it is our last day, Sally insists that Terie and I go out to do some last minute sightseeing. 
  • We head to the North End via the "T," thank you very much, because we are the effing gurus of public transportation.
  • The North End is Boston's little Italy. 
  • I am inspired to speak in an Italian accent. The. Entire. Time. Even while doing Gob's chicken dance.
  • Terie gets annoyed.
  • Pffft! What good are friends if you can't annoy them?
  • We have appetizers at two different restaurants. 
  • Benevento's... awesome, highly recommended.
  • Rabia... not so much. Our lack of appetite could be due to the fact that we are full, or maybe it's because one of the "decorations" sitting on the window sill next to our table looks like this:

  • Terie gladly schools me by informing me that this is called a gourd. I hate to make her feel stupid, but I am pretty sure this is a plasticized replica of Snooki's spray-tanned vagina. 
  • Don't believe me?

  • See? Told ja!
  • After picking up Cannoli (it's the plural form, I swear. Look it up.) from Mike's Pastries, we head back to the hospital, where Sally dresses Anders up for Halloween, and where I proceed to wolf down an entire cannolo that Sally was convinced none of us would ever finish. 
  • My fat jeans—bought for the trip to replace the skinny jeans that can no longer accommodate my fat ass—just became my new skinny jeans.
  • Anders is dressed up as Mario. Can you say ADORABLE?

  • Saddened by the news that Anders definitely needs to go back for a second surgery, we regretfully bid adieu to Sally and Anders.
  • We hate to leave Sally in her time of need, but she assures us that Sarrah and Karen will be arriving tomorrow to take over our duty of being "supportive friends." 
  • I'm happy they are going to be here for her, but I secretly hope that Terie and I have done a better job of keeping Sally's spirits up. 
  • The day after we get home, we learn Anders is out of surgery and doing well. Yaaay!
  • Dang it! Sally texts us to tell us that Karen just bought a gazzillion dollars worth of groceries so Sally and Anders will have food for when they return to the apartment. Who does she think she is, anyway? I wonder if Karen was brave enough to sneak wine past security, like Ter and I did, just so we could throw down in a children's hospital 'cuz that's how we do. 
  • Determined not to be outdone by Mizz Oh-I-Just-Bought-You-A-Rotisserie-Chicken Karen, Terie and I send Anders this...

  • What? Shut up! It was done in the name of happiness! Yeah, that's right, happiness. As in the happiness of a child... who just had OPEN-HEART surgery. So suck it!
  • After sending this to Anders, who apparently watches it a thousand times groceries, smoceries, we get this in return...
But, wait, I must warn you: it's a little offensive. Viewer discretion is definitely advised. Grab your Valtrex, ladies and gents, 'cuz this shit's going viral!

The kid's got talent!

Update: Anders is doing awesome. The surgery was a success, which just goes to show ya, sometimes...

God does answer prayers.


Wow, that was awkward said...

I remember that nasty Halloween weather in Boston. I still can't believe we were there at the same time and didn't know it. We could have brought that gourd out with us and had all kinds of fun.

Glad Anders is doing well.

Consciously Sedated said...

Brett, taking that gourd out would have required my stealing it and putting it in my purse. No way in hell would I have walked around with that thing rubbing up against my lipstick.

Happy Holidays, my friend.